Coupon Cut

So food is really expensive. I spent like $270 plus dollars yesterday and I didn’t even fill up the cart. I remember the first time I spent over $50 and I was like ‘whoa! that can’t happen again!’

But ya gotta eat right? We can’t live on Ramen noodles and mac n’ cheese forever.

So my husband is looking at this receipt and he’s like why can’t you do what those coupon people do?

“What coupon people?”

“The ones on TV they get $500 of stuff for a $1.”

“Oh, I get you now you’re talking about those Extreme Coupon people.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m sayin’. Do that.”

Whatever. Sure. So I watched a couple of episodes and I found it very inspirational. So I thought to myself, I’m gonna try this! I’m an intelligent person, I can do this. So I signed up for all these coupon sites online— one link leads to another, there’s forums, there’s chats— and printed out all these incredible savings. I must have used like 4 or 5 printer cartridges and a whole box of paper. But hey, I’m like basically printing money. Right? Let me tell you, I had a treasure chest of coupons. And I got a coupla extra Sunday papers, so that cost a little more, but they had some really, really good ones. So hey, what’s another $10 bucks? Oh, and I brought a little table-top paper cutter for $25. Naturally, I got it with a coupon at Michael’s or it would have been like $50. You gotta have the proper tools for something like this. And I also got an extra-large three-ring binder and the large economy pak of heavy-duty plastic sleeves. I forget how much that was. But anyways. Then I burned the midnight oil making my ‘plan o’ attack’. Yeah, sure, electricity costs money even at 3am, but that’s what it takes to match up the coupons to the store sales to maximize your savings. You know, like if something is buy one get one free and then you have a coupon for a free one and so you get both of them free. It’s brilliant really. So I did this and I had two carts of stuff that was almost $400 dollars and in the end it was $37. $37! Isn’t that incredible? I would tell you what percent savings that is if I was better at math. So I show my husband the receipt and he cannot believe it. He says it’s like we robbed the store. I mean for real! So we’re talking and he asks “hey, what’s for dinner” and I said “well, how many Tic Tacs do ya want?” and he says “that’s it we’re just having Tic Tacs for dinner?” so I say “well no, I got three cases of Crystal Light so we can have some of that too and I got pudding paks.” We ain’t gonna starve. Next week there’s a super deal on Hormel Compleats.

But seriously. Have you ever watched this show? Do you see what’s coming down the conveyor belt and ask yourself what do these folks eat for dinner? Or how much body wash can a person use?

To hell with it. No more coupons. I’m just going to get the $144 Berti Foraging Knife and then my food bill will be zero and my family will have all these super healthy wild greens to eat and wash ourselves with. If I don’t accidentally pick some poisonous ones. They all look the same to me.

But anyways, I’ll always have my lifetime supply of free travel size deodorants to remember my special time with coupons.

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