Don’t Sugar with Me!

I’m really beginning to hate my diet, sorry, ‘lifestyle change’
That’s the word they use for a diet that never ends
It’s the new thing

So here’s what happened, so far:

The handy chart showed my height and weight converged in the red zone
Obesity territory
No way!
Now I’m in orange territory
I’m just fat
Not obese
But I may be again one day
Nothing is forever
I feel it lurking, the obesity
You know 35.1 percent of Americans are obese and I was counted in on that
I was a minority, that’s always bad
I thought obese people were the majority now?
Maybe it’s fat people
I really didn’t notice being obese
It’s not like I couldn’t get through the door or something
But my blood contained millions of microscopic buttered sesame bagels
And that one day they would get all gummy from the wet blood, get stuck together and kill me
My blood should ideally contain millions of microscopic kale leaves, which are waterproof
And garlic
Which will keep anyone that might offer me a pastry, far, far away

So I went on a lifestyle change
Which involved buying books, DVD’s, oh, and I haven’t gotten that tracker thing yet
It’s too dystopian, don’t you think?
They’re gonna track all the slow people and disappear them
I tell you this will happen
Or you’ll go to a job interview
And they’ll say “so it seems you were sleeping and eating all day yesterday”
They’ll know
Anyone who reads or watches movies, knows they’ll know

But these ‘fitness personalities’ have unusual facial expressions
Like the expression I guess I would have if I thought about a big, giant pile of money
That’s the Tony Robbins thing isn’t it? Envisioning money piles
And they use large amounts of repetition
To repeatedly state that on their plan
I will never feel hungry
Because I would be in the ER with water poisoning
And ER food makes you lose your appetite
Just kidding
When you’re hungry, everything is good
But sixty-four ounces of water? A day?
Wouldn’t that like contribute to global warming somehow if we all did that?

You know what my lifestyle change has made me do?
I can have a salad for lunch
I can have as much spinach, romaine, red onions, red cabbage, cucumbers and tomatoes
Well maybe not a ton of tomatoes, but as much of the other stuff as I want
Giant heaps!
But I can only have 2 tablespoons of dressing
So I measure out the dressing using a measuring tablespoon
Not one of those giant tablespoons that come with the silverware
I’m not stupid, I know how to measure something
So I measure it out and there is some of the dressing stuck to the measuring spoon
I’m looking at that and thinking: that’s mine I get to have that
So I take 2 spinach leaves and I layer them together
One leaf is too thin
I use this ‘tool’ to get the rest of the dressing that is stuck to the spoon
I also use this same technique to get any dressing that gets stuck to the bowl
Because I can have that
That’s part of my two tablespoons
I want to make sure if I’m going to write these calories in my ‘food journey’ that I have in fact had all of them, the calories
Accuracy is very important

For my ‘snack’
I can have a quarter cup of popcorn
That’s a measure of the uncooked kernels
Now as we know, some of the kernels do not pop
So what I did was count the unpopped kernels over the course of the week and then took the average number of unpopped kernels and added those as extra to the next bowl I made so that I would come pretty close to having my rightful quarter cup of popped popcorn
Now someone from some popcorn company will probably tell me that they calculated the calories of a quarter cup of popped popcorn figuring that a certain percentage would not pop and that if I did have an actual quarter cup popped with every single kernel popped I would actually have more calories and as we know it’s that one extra that starts the whole gain it all back thing

I used to peel the shells of my hard boiled eggs
It says 80 calories per hard boiled egg
It doesn’t say 80 calories per hard boiled egg without the shell
I’m not gonna let that go, that’s included
I’m gonna have that shell
And surprise! There’s a whole group of people out there on the internet doing exactly this and
exchanging helpful time-consuming tips on how to work these into your lifestyle
Adds a little crunch like flax seeds or something
Speaking of flaxseed, is that a miracle or what? Or is quinoa the miracle?
I forget
Maybe spirulina?

Sometimes, I get really hungry and I try to negotiate with myself:
if I can have this cupcake, I won’t eat anything else. Ever.

So many interesting changes in the way my mind works.

Q: If my arm weighs 10 pounds and I cut it off and eat it, how many pounds would I gain?

A: 20. 10 would be the weight I gain back from the arm and 10 would be because there was a carbohydrate molecule under one of the fingernails.

That’s morbid.

Oh, here’s a good one:

It’s not fat, it’s my FDS (Famine Defense System)

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